why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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