mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
