I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
