Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
