the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
