i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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