Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I looked at my own cervix.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
