While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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