Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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