The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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