and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
