Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i came on her dog
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
