i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
