I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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