I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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