Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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