You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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