hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
