Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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