dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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