So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
