She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
