and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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