saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
