Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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