ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
