I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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