batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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