I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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