I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
