I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
