My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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