Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
