I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
