Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
