Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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