You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
