I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
babies were throwing up all over the place
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
be right there i have to get my cape
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
