you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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