i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
