So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You smell like a Billy Joel song
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
