If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
