Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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