3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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