I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
