wanna go halves on a baby?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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