you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
