I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
