watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
