my mouth tastes like poor choices
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I did not marry a roomba.
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