you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
