When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
