How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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