guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
