Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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