He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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